37 y/o woman rejects Singaporean man after 5 dates, says she wanted ‘care, thoughtfulness, spontaneity’

SINGAPORE: A woman has taken to the internet to share that she chose to walk away from a man she'd been seeing for five dates, after coming to the realisation that she hadn't been cared for in the way she wanted to be.

The woman, 37, said she is originally from China and currently lives in Singapore, while the man, 39, is a Singaporean Chinese.

Sharing her story on the r/asksg forum, she wrote the man wasn't bad by any measure. He was the one who arranged every date and came up with things for them to do—hiking, walks, movies. “He was clearly enthusiastic about seeing me and made an effort to remember things I'd mentioned and follow up on them,” she said.

On their first date, he also insisted on footing the S$60 bill, and throughout the two and a half months they spent getting to know each other, he consistently asked what she preferred.

But underneath all that attention, she found herself bothered that he never really crossed the line separating friendship from romance.

She offered an example: “On one date I became unwell during the movie. I told him I wasn't feeling well and wanted something warm, so we went for udon. I paid for dinner and went next door myself to buy Panadol while he waited at the restaurant.” 

“Later, my cold became quite bad, and I was sick for almost three weeks. He would message things like 'drink more water' or 'get some rest,' but I often felt his greater priority was figuring out when we could meet again.”

On their final date, he invited her to a movie but got lost and showed up roughly 20 minutes late. Since she was already there, she bought their tickets, ordered and paid for her own dinner, and waited. He had driven that day and knew she lived close by, yet never offered to take her home. He later texted her: “Hope you got home safe.”

“None of these things individually is a big deal, and I don't think he treated me badly,” she wrote. “But I increasingly felt like I was spending time with a friend rather than someone I was dating.”

“I'm quite independent. I can eat hotpot alone, spend an afternoon at a café alone, travel alone, and I've even dealt with a minor surgery on my own. I'm not looking for a man simply to accompany me while doing things I can already do. I suppose I want a relationship to add something emotionally to my life—care, thoughtfulness, spontaneity, affection, or simply feeling that life is a little better together.”

Unfortunately, the woman hadn’t felt any of these things with him. Beyond his eagerness to see her, there had been no spark of concern or romance.

“I stopped looking forward to seeing him or receiving his messages, and replying gradually started to feel like an obligation. We never became physically affectionate either — not even holding hands — and by then I knew I probably would have pulled away if he tried.”

Not wanting to drag it out, she confronted him directly, telling him that while she'd enjoyed getting to know him, the romantic feelings simply weren't developing on her end.

“He clearly put effort into seeing me, but I didn’t experience much effort in caring for me. I value actions more than words, and at 37 I’m probably less impressed by someone simply wanting my company than I would have been when I was younger.”

“I didn’t want to ghost him, particularly because he’d told me that several previous women had eventually ghosted him.”

Seeking perspectives, she asked the online community whether she had misread the situation or failed to notice something in their interactions.

“For people looking at this from the outside: does this sound more like dating inexperience, incompatibility in how we express care, or perhaps different cultural expectations around dating and courtship?” she asked.

“And for women around my age who are dating seriously: am I expecting too much from early dating, especially when I’m already very independent?”

‘The mutual chemistry's lacking’

Several Singaporean Redditors suggested that perhaps she simply never liked the guy to begin with.

One user pointed to contradictions in her account: the man had initiated every date, planned activities, and asked about her preferences, and yet she felt something was missing in terms of "generosity, initiative or care through actions." 

From the guy's perspective, the user argued, he was probably just keeping a respectful distance until he got a clear signal that they were both committed.

“His signal to you is clear, but you didn't seem to have given him your signal.”

Another agreed, saying, “He was being respectful, and the original poster (OP) simply expected him to go further, which some women would not appreciate. If OP was more proactive on her end, I'm guessing the guy would have reciprocated.”

A third added, “You don't seem that into him, regardless of what he does. Don't waste each other's time anymore; there are other fish in the sea.”

Others, though, saw the relationship as purely platonic.

One said, “Two perfectly normal people don't have to develop a romantic attraction. Although he initiated activities, it didn't seem like he was feeling much romantic attraction towards you either, as hand-holding would be a very early-stage indication within the first few dates. The two of you appear to work better as friends than a couple.”

Another added, “Sounds like the mutual chemistry's lacking. For both your sakes, it's probably better to just end it instead of wasting more time.”/TISG

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