SINGAPORE: Struggling with the feeling that her husband has emotionally checked out of their marriage, a 29-year-old Singaporean housewife took to Reddit on Thursday (July 23) to ask fellow users what she could do to rebuild their romantic connection.
Sharing her story on the r/SingaporeR forum, the woman said they have been together for seven years.
Like many relationships, theirs started out full of love and excitement. She recalled how her husband used to put in the effort, even coming to her house just to drag her out for supper.
These days, however, she feels he is no longer interested in spending quality time together.
“I can’t seem to reach him. We would be out together but he’s never there. He seems okay trying to spend time with me but all he wants to do is go back to work. Like work, work, work.”
She added that after coming home from work, her husband either plays “Fortnite and Gears of War or whatever games” or continues working.
While she understands why he is so focused on his career, especially since he is the family’s breadwinner, she struggles to understand why he refuses to spend money on things that might improve his mental well-being.
According to her, he would rather “eat cai fan” than pay for a better meal, and would rather invest in businesses “like a casino” than go on a short getaway for a “sanity check.”
She said she has been trying to encourage him to eat more healthily by planning date days where they go out for healthier meals. However, whenever they arrive at the place she picked, she can immediately sense his “reluctance.”
“Might as well not come out right. Like I try so hard for what,” she wrote, adding that it often feels as though her efforts go unnoticed.
The woman also shared that the distance between them has started to affect their physical connection and that her husband has now even opted to sleep in the office.
“For anyone wondering, I know for sure he’s not cheating. He doesn’t seem like it but I can’t seem to reach him anymore. When I talk to him, he answers but he’s there like not there. Relationship like that? Like how to be a man when you are so stressed? Next time we have children, how?
“I can’t tell if he’s quiet-quitting our relationship. I don’t know what to do, guys is this normal? I want to be like how we were. I don’t think I’m jealous I’m not getting his full attention but this is not us. I want him to come to me like last time and drag me out for supper and stuff.”
“Show him love and care in his language”
Many Reddit users said the husband didn’t seem like he was checking out of the marriage. To them, he just sounded exhausted and burned out.
One user encouraged the woman to have an honest conversation with him and create a safe space where he feels comfortable opening up
“Guys usually like to come home to peace. Maybe there’s something bothering him (maybe work-related). Try being a safe space enough for him to open up about what he’s feeling. I think he probably feels burnt out so he’s just choosing what’s easy and familiar.”
Another suggested that she focus on activities her husband genuinely enjoys rather than what she believes would help him relax.
“Speak HIS language, not yours. A holiday or a costly meal/date outside is not something that eases his stress – it adds to it. You see what he enjoys doing, see how you can help make him more comfortable at home, listen (not just hear) to what he is saying, and don’t try to ‘fix’ him. Try to understand what he has to overcome/face/go through and be supportive, not prescriptive. Show him love and care in his language.”
A third commenter agreed that the husband simply sounded worn out. “He just seems tired to me. I would think of ways like a lower-cost date, sometimes cook him something and bring him a nice lunch or dinner he would appreciate since he’s always into cai fan I assume due to low cost also will seem good for a guy.”
How to respond if your partner emotionally checks out
According to relationship experts, people often emotionally shut down or check out of a relationship because of unresolved trauma, a fear of vulnerability, emotional immaturity, avoidant coping (choosing to escape problems rather than face them), or simply because they grew up keeping their feelings to themselves to avoid burdening others.
When this happens, experts recommend that the other partner encourage open communication by using positive body language, such as smiling, hugging, or maintaining eye contact, and reassuring them that they won’t be criticised or judged for sharing their feelings.
Experts also suggest that the other partner open up about their own emotions first, as this may make the emotionally withdrawn partner feel more comfortable doing the same.
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