‘I feel guilty for thinking about divorce’: Indonesian Chinese woman questions marriage with Singaporean husband

SINGAPORE: An Indonesian Chinese woman took to social media to share that she sometimes regrets getting married and having children because of the way her Singaporean husband treats her.

Posting on the r/Marriage forum, she wrote, “Recently, I’ve been missing my single life. After getting married and having kids, I feel like life is not what I expected it to be. My husband is not cheating or anything, but we keep having disagreements about our children and my parents.”

She explained that a major source of tension in their marriage revolves around her mother. According to her, her husband has been increasingly critical, often making remarks such as, “Why didn’t your mom teach you this culture?”, “Why does your mom only play with the kids?”, or “Why doesn’t your mom know that kids shouldn’t play too excitedly?”

The woman shared that where she grew up, children were not raised with so many strict rules and expectations. “I’ve never heard of some of these things before,” she said. “But now it feels like everything is being blamed on my mother, and that really hurts.”

Beyond the comments about her mom, she also admitted feeling drained by her husband’s parenting style.

“To be honest, I’m also very tired of his strictness. For him, the kids always come first, above everything else. Our daughters are only 3 years old and 1 year old, and this stage is already very exhausting for me,” she wrote.

“Recently, I’ve even started thinking about divorce…and I feel really guilty for thinking this way,” she added.

Hoping to gain perspective, she asked the online community, “Has anyone been in a similar situation before?”

“I suspect he looks down on your culture a bit.”

In the comments, numerous users openly criticised the husband’s behaviour.

One said it was “unfair of him” to keep dragging her parents into their disagreements. “It’s like he’s purposely belittling you and making you feel small,” they wrote.

“Children are children. They behave childishly because they are simply kids. I’m also Chindo, and my husband is Singaporean. I’m a stay-at-home mom with a 2.5-year-old boy. Life is not easy, but we never blame our parents for our behaviour. Those are beyond our control.”

Another commenter, who said she is a mother of three in Singapore, reassured the woman that she was not the problem. “As a mother of 3 in Singapore, I could certainly say you are not a problem,” she wrote.

“Your husband was not allowed to live a life; his childhood trauma gets triggered by observing the children. If a child is not allowed to behave like a child, they are not being properly raised.”

A third user encouraged the woman to speak up and address the issue directly with her husband instead of letting the resentment build.

“It may be worth calling him out on this directly if you think this is plausible and he’s not completely unreasonable; it’s very rude and disrespectful behaviour,” they said. 

“I suspect he looks down on your culture a bit and is taking it out on your mom, who I imagine is more strongly connected to Chindo culture compared to you.”

Echoing a similar view, a fourth commenter said, “Sounds like you should actually have this conversation with him instead of us. It’s always a give-and-take for this kind of situation. No one will bend 100% to follow exactly how you want to follow rules, but most things are not dealbreakers/divorce-worthy.”

In other news, a Singaporean worker has found herself caught in a tough career dilemma after her former employer reached out with an unexpected offer of a promotion and higher pay.

In a post shared on r/singaporejobs, the worker explained that she left her previous company about two months ago. Recently, however, the company contacted her and asked if she would consider returning, citing difficulties within the team since her departure.

Read more: SG worker offered promotion and higher pay to return to former company, asks locals: ‘Should I go back?’