Employers of domestic helpers in Singapore fire back: ‘You guys complain like all employers are insane; how about helpers who don’t appreciate the things we do for them?’

SINGAPORE: In the bustling online community of the Direct Hire Transfer Singapore Maid / Domestic Helper Facebook group, one Singaporean employer let loose a fiery rant that lit up the comment section like a bonfire soaked in kerosene.

“You guys complain like employers are all insane,” the employer began. “How about helpers that does not appreciate the things employers do for them?”

What followed was a heated monologue that touched on food, entitlement, shampoo preferences, and the universal frustration of feeling unappreciated as it opened the floodgates to a much larger, messier conversation: Are employers too kind… or are helpers just too entitled?

A plateful of resentment

According to the employer, the incident that tipped the scales involved a family outing to a “known family restaurant,” where the helper was offered the same food as everyone else.

The employer said she always prioritised her children’s preferences when choosing the eatery. “She [the helper] has been with us almost a year… She ended up buying something for S$18, totalling S$23 with her drink, (but) ate only two bites. (She) complained it’s not nice and didn’t touch anything else.”

For context, S$23 is roughly equivalent to a day’s wage for many foreign domestic workers in Singapore. And it clearly didn’t go down well — neither the food, nor the gesture.

“Each time I do good towards her, she shows the side of not appreciating what I’ve done,” the employer complained, adding that the helper had also previously complained about the “expensive shampoo” provided for her. “I gave (her), but (she) never appreciated.”

The post ends on a sour note, claiming that the helper also raised her voice during corrections, leading to arguments and mounting tension in the household.

Fellow employers nod, and add their vent as well

As expected, the post found an eager audience among other employers, many of whom chimed in with their own tales of domestic drama.

“That’s what happened to me, too,” sighed one employer. “Nowadays, most helpers don’t appreciate but keep complaining. So disappointing.”

Another recalled how she treated her helper “more than family,” even paying for her kids’ education. “You know what she repaid me with? Love bites from her off days 🙄.”

One user pulled no punches describing the state of her helper’s private room: “She vandalised the walls, pasted nose dirt, moulds on bed, balls of hair under the cupboard… and she still says employers are bad?”

Then came the shampoo saga — a seemingly universal pain point.

“My helper gave me the face when I bought cheaper shampoo with a Myanmar word from the value shop,” one employer shared. “But she was delighted when she got to buy the brand from FairPrice.”

It’s the little things, clearly, that can cause big problems.

Privacy, pricey food, and pride

What also emerged was a recurring theme: many employers feel caught in a no-win situation. When they offer kindness, it’s not always returned with gratitude. When they correct poor behaviour, they’re accused of being harsh.

“The nicer you treat them, the more they demand,” said one. “Not all of them are like this, but MOST are. They don’t know what is (being) grateful and appreciative.”

Another added that “We walk on eggshells in our own home. Black faces, banging things, silent treatment… We pay them, feed them, house them, what more do they want?”

One employer offered a more pragmatic approach: “No need to treat them so well so fast. Learn their character first.”

“Maybe the cuisine is not to her taste…”

Despite the overwhelming chorus of employer frustrations, a few voices dared to be more reflective.

“Maybe the cuisine is not to her taste,” suggested one. “She might have felt pressured to eat with the family. I prefer to give cash and let them decide where they want to eat on their own.”

Another added, “Nice employers, nice helper. You help me manage my home, and I pay you to build your house. Don’t forget the hardship in your country. Be grateful that you got food here.”

Helpers clap back… but with grace

The post didn’t go unanswered. Helpers in the group also weighed in, with responses ranging from the diplomatic to the cheekily honest.

“Some employers are not so good, some are good,” said one maid. “Same with helpers. We don’t generalise employers. We complain based on our experience.”

Another commented, “She is lucky to have that kind of employer, but she still complains. If I have an employer like that, I’d be so thankful.”

One helper offered a more culinary critique: “For me, I prefer simple home food. An expensive restaurant doesn’t mean it’s suitable for everyone’s taste.”

There were also heartfelt — and occasionally humorous — testimonials of healthy employer-helper relationships: “My boss always loves what I choose, and everybody’s happy,” one maid laughed. “If I order expensive food, I share it. We laugh and enjoy it together. Everybody wins.”

Another wrote: “At least she brings you to the restaurant. My ahma takes me to the hawker centre and scolds me if I order more expensive food than hers.”

The viral verdict: Empathy needed on both sides

While the post triggered a deluge of grievances from both camps, one thing stood out: mutual frustration often stems from mismatched expectations and a breakdown in communication.

The employer who started the debate may have hoped for validation, and she certainly got plenty. But what she also unearthed was a more complex conversation: one about culture, class, personal dignity, and the invisible emotional labour exchanged in every employer-helper dynamic.

It’s easy to assume that a S$23 meal, a bottle of shampoo, or a private room are markers of kindness. But for many helpers, what they crave most isn’t luxury — it’s understanding.

As one maid summed it up: “She’s lucky to have you as her employer… Different from mine. I only have eggs and rice at home. She (my employer) even bought me expired Korean noodles.”

In a country where foreign domestic helpers are as common in households as rice in a rice cooker, perhaps the real ingredient that’s missing — on both plates — is empathy.

And a side of tactful communication wouldn’t hurt either.

In other news, a post in a Facebook group expressed a searing commentary that cracked open an often-muted reality: “Singapore is known for its world-class standards, but beneath the surface of this clean, modern society lies a silent injustice — the daily mistreatment of foreign domestic workers (FDWs) who leave their families behind, only to be treated without basic dignity,” a member of the group Eryana Eryan wrote.

It was a post that’s now resonating with many who know the system needs fixing. You can read the full story here: Domestic helpers in Singapore: We left our own children behind to raise yours, but you treat us like second-class citizens, without even basic dignity