Parenting

SINGAPORE: “How did you convince your parents to give you more freedom as a young adult?” This was the question a young man asked in an online forum on Tuesday (Feb 26). He shared that though he is 21 years old and about to enlist for National Service in a few months’ time, his parents still pressure him into going out with them.

“I guess my adulthood days are starting now that I’ve graduated from poly,” he wrote. “I have a few months before I enlist for NS (letter not yet received), but I don’t think I have the liberty to enjoy the little ‘youth’ I have left, especially when my parents are forcing me to go out with them for certain occasions.”

The writer cited his family’s dysfunction as the main reason why he has not been very keen on spending much time with them since his adolescence. “I might have the privilege of them being at home every day, but it just doesn’t feel like they’re present at all; I’ve always had to depend on lecturers and friends whenever I’m in turmoil and need life advice, that kind of thing,” he shared.

“The last time we went for a vacation, I developed respiratory issues and actually got scolded by them for the medical bills and being grumpy the whole time. I was literally gasping for air and all they could think about was how much it would cost… Now they’re not just planning another vacation but are also expecting me to follow them to the mosque every day for the whole of fasting month.

“I’ve always felt like going out with them is no fun or has no value at all. I just want the freedom I’ve always longed for from my problematic family now that I’m a grownup. I had to book my first counselling session for this because I genuinely need guidance to navigate around this matter (and want to simultaneously sort out past traumas so that this kind of problem won’t affect me or my relationships in the future). In the meantime, I’d really appreciate some advice or shared experiences relating to the title.”

According to a youth information and support platform, building relationships with a parent as an adult is a process. While it can be frustrating for new adults to feel as if they are not treated according to their age, it’s important to understand that many parents will always feel the need to guide their children, regardless of their age.

However, there are ways young adults can get their parents to treat them like the adults they are. While taking responsibility and acting as an adult should be key, it is also important to keep communication lines with your parents open. Listening intently and making an effort to spend time with them also goes a long way.

In response to the post, a few offered advice for the new adult. “I don’t think you can go straight from spending a lot of time with them to none at all,” said one. “Not sure if it’s the case for you but some parents use the fact they give you allowance as a lease to hold on to you too. I’m assuming freedom equals time away from them.

“I try to manage expectations. If you are spending a lot of time…Start by allocating one weekend to them. And that day, it’s all about them. To be clear, I don’t mean just physically. To rebuild a connection, you need to put in effort. Treat it like wooing a person. Act interested in what they say and participate and be there (mentally). Not just tag along like a grumpy ghost. Don’t make any plans that day. Following that, make it clear that one day is for them [and] one day is for yourself. But that one day, you make it clear you will be back by a certain time and you have to stick to it. That just builds trust.”