Valentine’s Day Special: ‘Get a life, not a man’ — 22-year-old Singaporean woman shares ‘Why I’m choosing to stay single’

SINGAPORE: On Valentine’s Day, while many couples plan dinners and gifts, one 22-year-old undergraduate Singaporean woman is choosing something else: herself.

In a commentary published on Feb 14, Romaine Chan shared her reflection on Channel NewsAsia (CNA) about why she is staying single in her 20s. Her piece comes with a message that she wants to build a full life first. Romance can wait.

Chan writes that she has “only just entered my 20s”. Yet her mother has started to worry, advising her, “I want you to find a partner. I want you to be happy,” her mum has said many times. Chan agrees with the second part; she indeed wants to be happy, but she no longer sees “finding a partner” and “being happy” as the same thing.

As a teen, she did see those things as being the same thing; as she was raised watching fairy tales and grand love stories, such as Swan Lake and Disney Princess stories, which made her believe life would only feel complete with romantic love. And that belief led her into a relationship before she even fully knew herself. She rearranged her life around her boyfriend. Her mood swings rose and fell, dependent on his replies. His validation and approval shaped her self-worth.

Looking back, she admits now she placed value in “other people’s validation” and on her own physical appearance. The relationship ended. The real lesson came later.

Two years ago, during a university exchange in Madrid, something clicked. Walking alone through cobblestone streets at sunset, she realised: “You are the only person you will be with for the rest of your life.” So, before knowing someone else, she felt she had to know herself first. That was the moment that finally reshaped her priorities.

She began picking up hobbies like crocheting. She travelled across Europe with friends, even if it stretched her wallet. Back in Singapore, her life filled up with tennis lessons, cycling at East Coast Park, café study sessions, and evenings at the mahjong table. Some days, she joins her father on a little foodie adventure. This Valentine’s Day, she plans to help a local florist arrange bouquets. In short, she is not waiting around.

“I started falling in love with life instead,” she wrote. Being single stopped feeling like a gap that needed to be filled. It became a space for growth.

Her reflections land at a time when dating apps are common in Singapore. Many young adults meet partners online. While Chan doesn’t reject dating apps outright, what unsettles her is how people compress themselves into neat profiles. She notes how conversations often repeat the same script: “What do you study? What are your hobbies? Do you have siblings?” Such exchanges blend together as the same old, same old. To her, the effort of revealing vulnerabilities does not always match the payoff.

She is also wary of how social media shapes relationships. A friend recently chose “silent dating,” keeping new relationships private to avoid outside opinions. Another friend in a long-term relationship values privacy deeply. “We’ll just settle it between ourselves,” he said.

These stories reinforce Chan’s decision to step back. She is not anti-love. She simply believes timing matters.

There are still hard nights, though. She admits that on some days, she wonders: “Will I be alone forever?” The fear of growing old alone can feel real. She acknowledges that wanting to be loved is human. But those spirals pass. Morning comes. Life continues.

Her core belief remains steady in that “It is only by having a fulfilling life of my own that I feel ready to welcome someone else into it.” She wants a partner who enhances her life, “not because my life is nothing without them.”

In Singapore, where marriage and housing plans often shape timelines in one’s 20s, her stance feels unassumingly bold. It challenges the idea that singlehood is a waiting room. For her, it is an active, meaningful stage.

As such, for all the above reasons, Chan now sees her dating philosophy as: “getting a life, not a man, comes first.”

On a day filled with roses and restaurant bookings, her message is less about rejecting love and more about pacing it right. Love can come later, much later, if at all. Because life is already here… yes, right here, right now, not later, not tomorrow.

Read Romaine Chan’s full reflection on CNA Lifestyle: Women’s series on single women and love